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Whey—Ta Minute!!!

Starbucks To The Rescue! Really? 

We've all been hearing that protein in our diets is essential. Protein is without a doubt the bell of the 2026 diet ball. I'm on board with it. Starbucks, in a heroic move has added whey protein to some of it's drinks. This is all good, right?

Whey protein is the liquid portion left over when milk is curdled and strained during the making of cheese. Ring a bell from years passed? 

Little Miss Muffet rocked on that tuffet gnashing her curds and whey, when that bad ass spider cruised up beside her and said, "S'up girl?" Miss Muffet said, "Oh hell no!" And bolted. What you might not know is the spider rocked that whey protein and built a sick web, in like, ten seconds and trapped 99 sucka flies.

* Author's note: I might be bullshitting on that last part.

S'up girl?

The good intentions of Starbucks to bring protein to the masses comes with a price, unfortunately. Said price: SUGAR! Nooooooo!!!

Ya see the problem is, whey protein is a bitter tasting little protein. How to un-bitter? Sugar, baby. With protein comes energy. Energy to return to Starbucks over and over, to purchase...over and over. The bottom line $$$ is a mutha!

Let's break down this heroic, yet, fiscal act, shall we?

~Iced vanilla latte: 29 grams of sugar~Vanilla latte (hot): 34 grams of sugar~Chocolate cream protein cold brew: 24 grams of sugar, damn it. And that's pretty much how things go. But, I ain't done. Let's break it down further. Let's go with 32. A tablespoon of sugar is about 8 grams. So if we take 32 grams—roughly the vanilla latte—hot, we're talking 4 tablespoons. FOUR! tbs. in one "healthy" drink!

What happened to the days when we took coffee black? Or with a splash of cream? Or, with a teaspoon of sugar? Bro! The American Heart Assoc. recommends no more than 34g of sugar per day for men, and 25g for women. That means one of these dumb ass drinks and then it's savory the rest of the live-long day, Bubba!

Here's what I suggest: Make your coffee at home. If you need a little sweetness, add a teaspoon of manuka honey. Get your protein from whole (actual) foods. As in eggs, chicken, salmon etc. If you insist on a whey protein supplement, source the you-know-what out of the manufacturer and mix it up in a blender with real fruit for sweetness. If you ignore my advice and keep rockin' Starbucks, just note the alternative names to the protein coffees: Sweetened Diabetes Enhancer. Tall Cup O' Diabetes Juice, and, I Know Longer Give A Shit About Myself Latte. 

Too Fu$#ing sweet!

 Tip your barista, baby! Awooooo!!!

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